July 9th, 2020

we are not allowed to be here, but in a dark, blue green aqueduct / catacomb-like place in the school, the water splashes as i and another student, clinging tightly to eachother, stumble towards the yellow light in the distance.

my teacher's hands look sick. he is disagreeable, but i am his favorite. he is holding a syringe that is purple and shiny inside.

i collapse on the parquet floor, yellow light is reflecting on it. my body feels wriggly. i cut off my little finger for no reason, without thinking. purple goo comes out.

outside, down the staicase built on the side of the cliff, to the little town below, i am walking with a boy that i do not think i was ever friends with. he has been tasked with spending time with me. he is just doing as he's told, but he is kind and i am being unfair to him. the school is trying to get me to admit that i am sick and submit to treatment, though it has not said such yet. but i know, and i know that they will hurt me so badly that i will never recover. they are not cruel. they desire what is best for me and for everyone. me and the boy sit together in the children's library, using a voice recorder that has a colorful plastic microphone. i like the colors of it, they have an intense calming effect on me. we stay until the children come and we are asked to leave. i am not in my body at this point. i am observing.

i am going "for a picnic" i tell the school teacher when she catches me leaving through the front door. i am not allowed to go anywhere alone. i leave the picnic basket (it was a pretense anyways), and walk into the woods. the ground is soft and mossy. everywhere is small hills. the purple goo is still inside of me. my body is full of it and i do not want it out.

in the forest, i hear a television up in the trees, it says in a young woman's voice (with a vocal cadence from the past, maybe 1960s) "my father filled my head with wasps and rats and ----"(i don't remember the third thing). she had opened up the back of her skull and scooped them out with her hands. i could feel what she felt, the mushiness of it as it had rotted, disgust, curiousity, satisfaction. i hear voices beyond the trees and see the light reflecting off their car. a family has driven up here for the day. they are unpacking things and talking to each other. i can feel all the inside of my body. i know i am far sicker than i have let on, and i have a premonition of what is going to happen next.

July 20th, 2020

i was walking alongside the highway with a few other men. we saw a lot of tiny metal and glass debris in the road. someone said that it must have been a wonderful car crash to make the pieces so small. we saw a fox standing by a river. it was wearing a coat and looked strange, like it was taxidermy. one man became very upset and kept saying that we weren't really seeing it and it wasn't real. after we'd walked a good ways past the fox, it shot the man who was upset by it in the head with a long range sniper rifle.

a fox standing and wearing a long coat

August 9th, 2020

we were at a mall whose floor and walls faded at a distance into a dark jungle. i felt anxiety that was perfectly silent in its abject fear and mental anguish. a small girl with black hair was walking quickly and looking all around. some people were following her. we were buying soft pretzels.

i wanted to help clean up. we were in darkness but could see table and so much food and people. everything else was completely black. i heard the old Russian man explain that he didn't like to waste food and she could read about it in his diary. the orange kitten was outside and she tried to pick it up. its difficult like picking up a slug. they will nurse it back to health but whether it survives the first few hours alone is up to fate. i am outside and i feel very evil. im walking around, feeling my arms move. the old woman arrives in a large box or in a pile of dark reflective objects. she's saying something like im not as useless as the rest of them. she doesn't want me to bother helping the old man. my parents (some random people) appear with groceries and they say they spent an amount i am horrified by on the nutritional drinks for me. the color is like an inverted oil slick.

i went in the room and the demon mirror and dresser from the disney channel original movies was there. i was using it to talk to my friend, a small sarcastic animal, when my parents (some very cliche parents) entered the room in unison and using a bar magnet took the mini lightbulbs and regular paperclips my friend was using to try and escape. me and my two year old son climbed into a room in the playground. he asked why we weren't supposed to be there (he communicated with a much older voice than his body) and i noticed the purple queue guide dividing the room. on the other side of the divider children were lined up and waiting. the machine said they were all going to get potato patties except for the three of us who would be crushed to death. somehow we escaped but at the cost of the children of strangers. the playground was in a shallow pool, like a playground at a water park. almost all the water had been drained away and what remained was full of algae. i dressed my son in his swim diaper and a woman with a blank stare told me that "eldest children can't swim and dont know cpr because you're worried about them dying. second children its up to them whether or not they survive"

i entered my apartment. the windows were opaque. it looked unfinished. there were areas without flooring or drywall and it was cluttered with stacks of paper, books and other clean trash. i heard a sound and started looking through the rooms. up in the loft someone was covered with a sheet and laying against the wall. i stabbed them with a long knife. i realized it was my twin. they were so angry with me that they would not even allow me to call an ambulance.